...I'm still growing...

bit by bit

centimentator bt centator

slowly falling asleep

fundamental dreaming was a cloud inside my head
and dressing wasnt easy i just rotted in my bed
until i called help, what im all about
stuck in skin i want to shed
then i turn to nothing
my feet turn into lead

just because you write it doesnt mean that it is good
and just because you sing wont inspire me to give you sympathy
i forgot how
to be truly
happy

passion in its deep heart
what it really is
is suffering

just stop torturing me
i need to be saved
cant be any other way
i miss you
you hate me now
i played with you
i took like half of your heart
and now i want it back
the sutures
and the only way is to say
that i going thru suffering
too

and the only way to say im going thru the suffering
too

my minds playing tricks on me

you told me i need help
i said i like you though

i have trouble making things make sense
i have some earplugs in my bag
they turned black in the stench
of a bunch of dust collecting
of ash from cigarettes
i need you again i need my special friend
im so fucked up i hate myself i hate my capacity to feel things
i want to feel your ribs your handshake

//

our life
10/18 notes

God damn it. just overcome with sadness today. and again and again and again and again. I lit a pumpkin candle to make myself feel more at home. I do in fact feel unsafe in my skin. and its daunting, i admit. Iconcede. Fuck. Can i just spill my guts to you? without the poetry? without the pretty? just spill my guts and have you look but you dont say anything. Maybe you feel a little guilty, because you might feel responsible partially? or guilty for witnessing and being powerless?

Sorry for being so defensive. Ive just had a lot on my mind. And i take it out on you. im sorry. nobody deserves that.. at the same time, you should be able to read my mind, you should be able to help. After all this time of knowing me, you should know what to do better than I do.

sorry again. Jeez. Im so fucking retarded sometimes. Lets start a second time.

I went to bed with a goddess,
I fell asleep on
the floor
and instead i found my hands
entangled in the hair
of a hideous whore
covered in boils
but her eyes were so beautiful
i stayed there burning midnight oils..
write me your recipe for peace

Im trying to decide in real time whether i want to tell you the truth about what really happened last night (the truth is, i fell asleep crying, woke up at 2 crying crying and whimpering like a child, wasnt respected, feelin used, just crying for no one myself) the ghost was mad at me for bein mad at him cuz i said he didnt care abt me anymore like i was the ghost.wanna know why it made me so upset, because i dont care about the ghost in my bed because i hate the feeling of being trapped trapped and alone trapped** but still having no one care about me. drives me crazy. the truth just fell out .

he said something that comforted me. because half of me was crying about being to crowded on the bed, the path too narrow, my thoughts to squished up by problems adult problems too boring and stressful to say, the other half was overwhelmed cause i was sick, sick like i used to be when i was a child and my mom was drive me to the pediatritian and tell them to draw blood and poke me with needles and stick q tips around my throat, and she thought this was good. she said it was exposure therapy. but lo and behold we appear 10 years later im crying like a bitch in my bed thinking about the nurse potentially testing me for strep.

So this is what was happening when i was crying so much, it never is that easy is it?

Half of me was having adult thoughts, real concerns about my life, whether or not im doing the right thing, whether im happy or not, the other half wanted to lay in lap while i cry, overwhelmed by fears that seem to take over my life my death, shaking rattling lungs and complete utter panic like holding a knife to my throat, and freaking out over planes flying over my house over and over, no silence i didnt even deserve that.
and he just said "planes are good, they give you company"

i cried and cried forever, while the ghost slept peacefully, i paced my room and waited for him to float away so i could stab myself for loving him in my notebook/

And yea the main problem is nobody likes me enough to guess my thoughts, enough to cradle me like the parents i never had for real for real

i cant even take that. Id die if someone did that to me. I dont deserve it either. not after everything ive done.

nobody here needs me very much, nor do they need me anywhere else. except i need them all so bad, especially my sister, whos so far away it hurts bad and makes it harder to focus. its just now dawning on me, all of this.

im sitting here cradling my infancy. i tore myself to pieces.

Should we die, our love intact?